Cutting Contact over Politics

Estrangement & Politics Part 2

Last week I wrote about the parallels between discussing politics with a Trumpist fascist and trying to reconcile or find common ground with a family member before finally choosing to cut them off. Although it might sound “out there” to compare the two, there are actually some very obvious parallels. You can read that article here: 

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This week, I’m diving into your stories about estrangement caused by political difference.

Let’s begin with parents.

“My mother-in-law was a very liberal woman from L.A. She moved to Oregon to be closer to her son, my husband. She LOATHED Trump and voted for Hilary in 2016. When COVID began she was scared and quarantined at home for 6 weeks with my immunocompromised brother-in- law. By the end of April, she believed the government was trying to poison us with the vaccine and by June, she no longer supported Black Lives Matter. (This was jarring to my husband as he and all of her children are mixed). She voted for Trump in 2020 and fully believes all the conspiracy theories including the “elites” drinking the blood of children. It has caused a very large rift with her children and is incredibly sad.” - Cleora B.

This theme of “What the hell happened?” was common in your stories. Many people described having relatives who seemed pretty sane until eight or four years ago. 

Since I wanted this week to offer a survey of your experiences and not a deep dive with each of you, I can’t know the context of Cleora’s MIL’s shift. Many rigorously researched and reported pieces/books/papers have been written over the past eight years about the perfect storm of misinformation/disinformation/new technologies swamping the media literacy of average folks. COVID was a hotbed for the “crunchy to far-right pipeline”: Cleora also seems to hint at this when she talks about COVID and her immunocompromised BIL (presumably the MIL’s son). ¹

But since this is Estranged, I want to explore how Cleora’s story also makes me wonder about the family dynamics that preceded her mother-in-law’s dramatic shift.  

Last week, a reader pointed me to Strongwilled, a Substack newsletter which this week posted a well researched and fascinating article titled “Focus on the Fascist Family” on “the connection between authoritarian parenting methods and authoritarian movements in Germany and beyond.”

Chapter 11: Focus on the Fascist Family

The writer D.L. Mayfield began by quoting Tucker Carlson’s repulsive spiel about “Daddy Trump” disciplining/abusing his naughty children, then shared research about the connection between the popularity of authoritarian parenting in Germany in the decades preceding Hitler’s rise to power. 

“To many in the outside world, Hitler seemed like a caricature of a human, with his angrily shouted speeches, his tiny mustache, and his obvious dictator persona. But for a wide swath of Germans, he was the person they had been primed to obey their entire lives,” Mayfield writes. 

“A caricature of a human being” sounds depressingly familiar. Those in the “outside world” look on with shock: “How can so many people vote for a walking circus peanut? For president of a whole country?” But what’s scary about Trump is not just Trump the man, as many people have pointed out. It’s the way his clown/horror show has uncovered just how many people are happy to co-sign his message, or in the words of Mayfield, “are desperate for a society that feels comfortingly similar to the family dynamics they grew up in, no matter how abusive they might be.” 

Mayfield concludes, “As America finds itself faced with our own blatant authoritarian vying for power -- and with millions and millions full-throatedly supporting him -- it’s time to start to process the pain and cruelty of the ways generations of Americans have been parented.”

I’m not claiming that any of this applies to Cleora’s mother-in-law in particular, but I wonder if it’s one way some people can start to make sense of their estranged relative’s zealotry. 

Elizabeth H., another Estranged reader, wondered this, too:

“My brother-in-law and I have a lot of issues talking about politics, since he became a Trump supporter 8 years ago. I rarely talk to him outside of the times I see him at holiday gatherings and family trips. When my sister married him, I knew he was less supportive of gay marriage than we were but he had voted for Obama and I never would have predicted his future path. My sister has remained a steadfast liberal and always votes blue. I sent this post to my sister and mom because my BIL had very authoritarian parents and this connection to conservatism was so interesting to me.” 

Moving on to spouses. 

“This topic has made me consider leaving my husband of 38 years more than once. He was a two-time Obama voter until Trump came along. Like many of his blue-collar high school friends, he says Democratic policies have swindled him out of a comfortable livelihood due to increasing regulations, fees, and taxes. He is convinced the Dems want to take away his guns, everyone’s money, and our land. He believes all of the fear mongering by Fox and his YouTube podcasters. I am an educational publishing professional with a bachelor's degree. My friends are all Dems. In conversations with him and his pals, I am expected to articulate why people would in their right mind vote for Kamala. I mostly choose to disengage as the conversations are traumatizing. My daughter won’t speak to him because of his Trumpism, but he doesn’t much care. We both think the other is at best misguided. I had hoped things would improve after 2020. No such luck. I fear for our country and my marriage.” - Michelle P. 

This phenomenon is discussed in more detail by Olivia Dreizen Howell on the “On the Same Page” podcast this week. 

“Maybe you met a guy, married, and you were basically politically aligned [a decade or more ago]. Maybe there were differences here and there. But [in 2024] these are not the same parties and these are not the same issues. So you have people who have been with their partners for a long time, and did align maybe, one way or another. I’m getting messages from women who are trying to have these conversations with their husbands–abortion is a big issue for a lot of these women—and they’ll ask me, ‘How do I explain this to my husband? He’s not getting it.’ Women are looking at their future and their children’s future in a different way.”²

I also am reminded of the Lincoln Project³ political ad “Daisy,” released three weeks ago and sitting at 383K views on YouTube. In the ad, a voiceover actor says, “You were my protector, my hero. You always made me feel safe. … Like I was the most important person in the world.” Meanwhile, the ad’s images are of a happy young white woman (presumably “Daisy”) standing on an altar in a white dress with her father by her side, quick-cut with the same woman in a hospital bed, with an oxygen mask on her face, having a clear medical emergency. Then Daisy the voiceover says, “But it turned out he was more important.” Cut to Trump saying, “I was able to terminate Roe v. Wade after 50 years of trying.” 

Daisy ends with, “You knew what he’d do. You knew his politics would end my freedom, my rights. My life.” The implication is that Daisy dies because of lack of access to abortion care.

The implication:  Daisy died because her father’s commitment to Trumpism outweighed his commitment to her. 

If it was meant to reach “Daisy’s Dad” and people like him, it did a poor job, at least on YouTube, if the comments are any indication. (And they may not be any indication.) Still, the comments are stuffed with responses from people like Michelle, not from people like Michelle's husband. This ad makes the Michelles of the world feel seen. This ad reflects the frustration they feel. But I doubt this ad has reached the men who are actually choosing Trump. (Or the women! because they are plenty of women who are all-in on stripping women of bodily autonomy.)  

Those of us who have tried to reason with our relatives before reducing or cutting off contact know how this feels. We make reasonable arguments, we make impassioned pleas, we beg them to “get it.” But somehow our relatives seem to hit a mute button that filters out what we’re saying. Reducing contact to avoid traumatizing ourselves, as Michelle and her daughter have, becomes the only reasonable option. 

If this is you, I’m sorry.

Our hope comes in taking long-term, sustainable action: processing the loss of family members and showing up with an open mind for people who are making a good-faith effort to understand political differences, ask questions, and seriously mull over the assumptions inherent in their beliefs. 

The election is Tuesday. Please vote. And please, as Marc Maron wrote this week:

“Hold onto who you are and try not to be afraid to live your truth in the midst of an avalanche of toxic bullshit.”

- Maggie

PS: What do you think? Leave a comment on Substack and let me know.

1. A recent episode of the podcast “A Bit Fruity” unpacks this in detail.

2. Via On the Same Page podcast’s Instagram

3. The Lincoln Project was founded in 2019 by former Republican strategists who are “never Trumpers.” I’m not advocating for the Lincoln Project, rather I’m using the ad to make a point about politics and estrangement.