I didn't have to make that pronouncement as both my parent's manage to die young and die quickly. But there's no doubt in my mind, to save my hard-earned sanity, I'd have had to establish the boundaries you laid out. Sometimes it may seem there's no escaping the pain, guilt, and yet...we carve out a life and some happy moments despite it all. I'm proud of you and send virtual hugs. Nobody deserves this.
Wendy, I love how clearly and thoughtfully you have articulated this. I’m middle aged, an only child and have been caregiving for my Mom for the past decade while raising my now YA kiddo. I worked in elder care in my 30s and was able to see my future caring for BOTH my aging parents, and this enabled me to get them into a retirement community with the continuing care options that I knew they would need. I was clear that no way was I going to be able to handle the workload of caring for them in their own home and I was no way going to live in the same house with them, particularly my abusive father. He passed away well cared for 10 years ago, and my mother is still in independent living. We have a much improved relationship and I live nearby and see her several times a week. I am SO GLAD that I set boundaries with them 20 years ago about what I would and wouldn’t do for them in terms of care, and I’m grateful that they took my advice about finding a good community that offers the support they needed (and that they were at least financially responsible enough to have saved for their old age living expenses). Our society expects women to forgive and forget horrible treatment from our parents and to self-sacrifice to care for them in old age when many of us basically had to raise ourselves and we are already doing too much caregiving in our own nuclear families. We have to get clear about our boundaries and our own self worth and I respect you so much for doing that. ❤️
What a powerful essay and good on you for taking care of yourself. Saying no is so hard. And feeling Other when we don’t fit into society’s mold is harder still. I have a memoir about family estrangement coming out next year, so I really do get it.
Thank you for sharing and for doing all the work have done/are doing to be healthy and sane for you and your spouse/children. I have made similar choices re my MIL. Finding and holding your power takes faith and strength and you have both. Sending loving thoughts and energy
The timing of this piece for me right now could not have been more aligned. Wendy, I fully resonate with feeling the need to over explain to the people who love me so I don’t seem like a monster.
My daughter recently texted me to let me know my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My response was pretty cold, to the unfamiliar eye: “He was allegedly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2021. So is this new cancer?”
My dad has a notorious history of making up serious illnesses to guilt us back into contact and my sister and I have both stopped falling for it. Maybe this is real. I don’t know.
I like the boundaries that you set out, specifically that you are willing to hear their stuff but not willing to let it be your issue to solve. I may need to use that. Thank you for all of this.
My MIL told us about how she "survived" the same kind of cancer that I caretook a friend through. He survived it through a year of chemo and radiation and multiple hospital stays. She survived it by the lab making a mistake and needing a second sample of her blood because they'd given her someone else's lab results because she never had cancer. I became a different person the moment the words came out of her mouth.
We get to walk our own road. I'm estranged from my family. Before that occurred, I told my little brother (her favorite) and sister-in-law (in front of my mother), that she was theirs. I would not take a call, not come in for the assist. The care, the decisions, all of it would be his. So far, no calls have come. I don't expect them to. I have no regrets. This estrangement saved me. Sounds like you continue to save, nurture and care for yourself, Wendy. Congratulations. I hope you take a lot of comfort and pride in that.
I have one of each - a mother who is beginning to need help with things after some mini-strokes and a quadruple bypass. A mom who has an MIL suite in our home because we always planned to help.
And then there’s my dad. I haven’t spoken more than a few sentences to him since around 2005. I will be seeing him in a month, mostly because it’s important to me that my partner and my son know this part of me. But I also know that whatever condition he’s in, I cannot - and will not - be his caretaker. I am okay with that, especially with a stoic husband by my side that will help me be strong.
Wendy, I am so sorry that you’re in this situation, but I also am more sorry that you didn’t get the love you needed - and deserved! - when you were young. I am so happy for you that you have it now and that you are resilient enough to hang on to that love for all it’s worth. 💜
To Wendy: good no, great no, FANTASTIC work stopping that dysfunctional cycle. Continue being kind to yourself and next generations.You will make different mistakes, but obviously have learned the avenues to change. I admire you so!
Thank you for this and being vulnerable I feel the same
I didn't have to make that pronouncement as both my parent's manage to die young and die quickly. But there's no doubt in my mind, to save my hard-earned sanity, I'd have had to establish the boundaries you laid out. Sometimes it may seem there's no escaping the pain, guilt, and yet...we carve out a life and some happy moments despite it all. I'm proud of you and send virtual hugs. Nobody deserves this.
You’re not alone in this. I’m in the same boat too. Good for you on choosing yourself. It’s one of the bravest things we can do as women.❤️
Couldn’t agree more
Thank you so much for sharing this. I have a similar dynamic with my mom and I have set similar boundaries to protect my mental health.
Wendy, I love how clearly and thoughtfully you have articulated this. I’m middle aged, an only child and have been caregiving for my Mom for the past decade while raising my now YA kiddo. I worked in elder care in my 30s and was able to see my future caring for BOTH my aging parents, and this enabled me to get them into a retirement community with the continuing care options that I knew they would need. I was clear that no way was I going to be able to handle the workload of caring for them in their own home and I was no way going to live in the same house with them, particularly my abusive father. He passed away well cared for 10 years ago, and my mother is still in independent living. We have a much improved relationship and I live nearby and see her several times a week. I am SO GLAD that I set boundaries with them 20 years ago about what I would and wouldn’t do for them in terms of care, and I’m grateful that they took my advice about finding a good community that offers the support they needed (and that they were at least financially responsible enough to have saved for their old age living expenses). Our society expects women to forgive and forget horrible treatment from our parents and to self-sacrifice to care for them in old age when many of us basically had to raise ourselves and we are already doing too much caregiving in our own nuclear families. We have to get clear about our boundaries and our own self worth and I respect you so much for doing that. ❤️
What a powerful essay and good on you for taking care of yourself. Saying no is so hard. And feeling Other when we don’t fit into society’s mold is harder still. I have a memoir about family estrangement coming out next year, so I really do get it.
Relateable
Thank you for sharing and for doing all the work have done/are doing to be healthy and sane for you and your spouse/children. I have made similar choices re my MIL. Finding and holding your power takes faith and strength and you have both. Sending loving thoughts and energy
The timing of this piece for me right now could not have been more aligned. Wendy, I fully resonate with feeling the need to over explain to the people who love me so I don’t seem like a monster.
My daughter recently texted me to let me know my dad was diagnosed with cancer. My response was pretty cold, to the unfamiliar eye: “He was allegedly diagnosed with prostate cancer in 2021. So is this new cancer?”
My dad has a notorious history of making up serious illnesses to guilt us back into contact and my sister and I have both stopped falling for it. Maybe this is real. I don’t know.
I like the boundaries that you set out, specifically that you are willing to hear their stuff but not willing to let it be your issue to solve. I may need to use that. Thank you for all of this.
Ooh, boy, I get it with the parent who is an unreliable narrator when it comes to medical stuff. It really sucks.
My MIL told us about how she "survived" the same kind of cancer that I caretook a friend through. He survived it through a year of chemo and radiation and multiple hospital stays. She survived it by the lab making a mistake and needing a second sample of her blood because they'd given her someone else's lab results because she never had cancer. I became a different person the moment the words came out of her mouth.
Ooh! I am 100% going to start referring to it as this!
We get to walk our own road. I'm estranged from my family. Before that occurred, I told my little brother (her favorite) and sister-in-law (in front of my mother), that she was theirs. I would not take a call, not come in for the assist. The care, the decisions, all of it would be his. So far, no calls have come. I don't expect them to. I have no regrets. This estrangement saved me. Sounds like you continue to save, nurture and care for yourself, Wendy. Congratulations. I hope you take a lot of comfort and pride in that.
I have one of each - a mother who is beginning to need help with things after some mini-strokes and a quadruple bypass. A mom who has an MIL suite in our home because we always planned to help.
And then there’s my dad. I haven’t spoken more than a few sentences to him since around 2005. I will be seeing him in a month, mostly because it’s important to me that my partner and my son know this part of me. But I also know that whatever condition he’s in, I cannot - and will not - be his caretaker. I am okay with that, especially with a stoic husband by my side that will help me be strong.
Wendy, I am so sorry that you’re in this situation, but I also am more sorry that you didn’t get the love you needed - and deserved! - when you were young. I am so happy for you that you have it now and that you are resilient enough to hang on to that love for all it’s worth. 💜
Brava! 🫶
To Wendy: good no, great no, FANTASTIC work stopping that dysfunctional cycle. Continue being kind to yourself and next generations.You will make different mistakes, but obviously have learned the avenues to change. I admire you so!
My pleasure- you deserve kudos!
Thank you so much for those kind words!