"They will protect the status quo over protecting me. It’s this ongoing experience when I spent time with them. It feels like I don’t matter that much. It’s not about what happened in the past but about a dynamic that continues to exist."
This was so relatable and validating to read. Thank you.
This is really good - wrestling through what boundaries look like, where guilt comes from (patriarchy or religion?? or a confusing mix of both?) and how we love ourselves and others at the same time <3. Thank you for writing/speaking/interviewing about all of this.
I think “forgiveness” in evangelical families can look like “sweep it under the rug.” My parents relied on their faith to absolve themselves of having to look at their own behavior or if they did take a peek then ultimately “God decides right and wrong” or “God is the only one who can absolve us if we ask forgiveness” and that allowed them the freedom to stay stuck in their blissful ignorance and not take true accountability for my pain. I see a direct correlation to what is playing out in our nation.
This is a great and insightful conversation. Thanks for sharing it, Maggie and Krispin.
I think that the parents (mine included) can't accept the blame/responsibility. After all, in some (if not many) regards, they didn't protect Krispin and likely have guilt about that. In some ways, they are asking him to forgive and forget so they can forget what they did or didn't do, what they might have suspected or known, even if that knowledge came later. My parents have asked for forgiveness, but it's a blanket request, with no real culpability. I have forgiven them, for myself, for my healing. I've done my work. It's their job to do theirs and come to terms with what they did. I can't absolve them of their guilt, because then there's no change. It's more of a permission slip to pretend nothing ever happened and bad behavior can creep back in...which is what's happened when I forgave and permitted access before. And that only fortifies my boundaries. xo
"They will protect the status quo over protecting me. It’s this ongoing experience when I spent time with them. It feels like I don’t matter that much. It’s not about what happened in the past but about a dynamic that continues to exist."
This was so relatable and validating to read. Thank you.
Thanks for reading, Katharine <3
This is really good - wrestling through what boundaries look like, where guilt comes from (patriarchy or religion?? or a confusing mix of both?) and how we love ourselves and others at the same time <3. Thank you for writing/speaking/interviewing about all of this.
Thanks, Liz!
I think “forgiveness” in evangelical families can look like “sweep it under the rug.” My parents relied on their faith to absolve themselves of having to look at their own behavior or if they did take a peek then ultimately “God decides right and wrong” or “God is the only one who can absolve us if we ask forgiveness” and that allowed them the freedom to stay stuck in their blissful ignorance and not take true accountability for my pain. I see a direct correlation to what is playing out in our nation.
This is a great and insightful conversation. Thanks for sharing it, Maggie and Krispin.
I think that the parents (mine included) can't accept the blame/responsibility. After all, in some (if not many) regards, they didn't protect Krispin and likely have guilt about that. In some ways, they are asking him to forgive and forget so they can forget what they did or didn't do, what they might have suspected or known, even if that knowledge came later. My parents have asked for forgiveness, but it's a blanket request, with no real culpability. I have forgiven them, for myself, for my healing. I've done my work. It's their job to do theirs and come to terms with what they did. I can't absolve them of their guilt, because then there's no change. It's more of a permission slip to pretend nothing ever happened and bad behavior can creep back in...which is what's happened when I forgave and permitted access before. And that only fortifies my boundaries. xo