Ooh I really hate when writers like Russell talk to the parent in an estranged relationship and somehow draw the false equivalence that they too could become the “victims” of a parenting mistake that leads to being completely cut off from their child at some unknown point done the road. No one talks about the agony of coming to that decision (and in my case, getting there three separate times with the same parent inside of 10 years).
I also really resent therapists like Coleman who insinuate that our reasons are more petty and our trauma isn’t big enough to warrant this decision.
Yes it seems to be a really common misconception that adult children who choose estrangement do it capriciously or just because of a single fight or bad moment in the relationship with the parent. As opposed to an entire lifetime (on the child’s side) of either a pattern of bad behavior, or a relationship dynamic that is untenable for the adult child. Then again, the causes of estrangement haven’t been studied by researchers! Everyone is just going off the anecdotal evidence from their own experiences.
And they also make it seem like there were no attempts at mending the relationship before going no contact. As if we just woke up one day and were like, “I’m done with you.”
I think what you said is so true: People want to talk about it. People want to talk. They want to be seen. People are tired of carrying around so much shame and hiding different aspects of their lives, including estrangement. I've found that talking openly about things not only helps people break free of the shame, it also gives them (and others) permission to live in a way that feels right for them. It breaks open the world to include so much more than one has been taught or even seen in their own lives.
I'm glad that you brought up the part about the data being missing from the articles. It leaves so many more questions about why people are coming to their conclusions about estrangement and what those conclusions support. Like you said, the writers want you to assume that they leave their judgment out of it, but these conclusions or evidence could simply be validating their own opinion on the matter. Looking forward to reading more, Maggie!
This is such a great point, Gina. I have to ask if it’s not that the occurrence is more prevalent, just that we are openly talking about it now (same with intimate partner abuse). And when we talk about it, people feel comfortable making this decision that hadn’t been comfortable doing so before.
Ooh I really hate when writers like Russell talk to the parent in an estranged relationship and somehow draw the false equivalence that they too could become the “victims” of a parenting mistake that leads to being completely cut off from their child at some unknown point done the road. No one talks about the agony of coming to that decision (and in my case, getting there three separate times with the same parent inside of 10 years).
I also really resent therapists like Coleman who insinuate that our reasons are more petty and our trauma isn’t big enough to warrant this decision.
Yes it seems to be a really common misconception that adult children who choose estrangement do it capriciously or just because of a single fight or bad moment in the relationship with the parent. As opposed to an entire lifetime (on the child’s side) of either a pattern of bad behavior, or a relationship dynamic that is untenable for the adult child. Then again, the causes of estrangement haven’t been studied by researchers! Everyone is just going off the anecdotal evidence from their own experiences.
And they also make it seem like there were no attempts at mending the relationship before going no contact. As if we just woke up one day and were like, “I’m done with you.”
I think what you said is so true: People want to talk about it. People want to talk. They want to be seen. People are tired of carrying around so much shame and hiding different aspects of their lives, including estrangement. I've found that talking openly about things not only helps people break free of the shame, it also gives them (and others) permission to live in a way that feels right for them. It breaks open the world to include so much more than one has been taught or even seen in their own lives.
I'm glad that you brought up the part about the data being missing from the articles. It leaves so many more questions about why people are coming to their conclusions about estrangement and what those conclusions support. Like you said, the writers want you to assume that they leave their judgment out of it, but these conclusions or evidence could simply be validating their own opinion on the matter. Looking forward to reading more, Maggie!
This is such a great point, Gina. I have to ask if it’s not that the occurrence is more prevalent, just that we are openly talking about it now (same with intimate partner abuse). And when we talk about it, people feel comfortable making this decision that hadn’t been comfortable doing so before.
Exactly! I think others realize it’s an actual and valid choice and that choosing that wont make them a total outlier.
Thank you, Gina, your perspective on this subject is so valuable.