I've always admired people who are estranged from their family-of-origin, because it means that they went through something painful and they have strong enough boundaries to decide they want a different life.
I have a dear friend who struggles mightily with her painful relationship with her mother and I wish she would choose estrangement over suffering.
Also, I, too, have gleaned random life advice from listening to Savage Love back in the day. ☺️
So much wisdom in this piece, Maggie. I would always happily vomit up the true story, leaving people staggered, both by the facts and the nonchalant way I told the tale. Our twenties were fun, weren't they? Now, when asked, I say I don't see my family and follow up with, "They're not nice people." That usually helps change the conversation if they don't share a similar experience, or want to avoid a messy topic. If they want to know more, I'll share. There will always be the judgers but, more often than not, they struggle in their relationships with their families, and it gives them an opportunity to share. xo
This is a random connection I was just thinking about: I used to live in NYC and I had a dog who was very cute but he was very nervous and mean. I was so flustered when people would bend down to pet him without asking and he would snap at them. I never knew what to do or say! But he needed to go outside, too! So, we hired a dog trainer. The behavior didn't improve much. But! She taught me one valuable thing: she said, "When people move to pet him, just firmly say, 'He bites.'" It really helped. I guess it's different--but it was that same flustered feeling of not knowing what to say or not knowing how to tell people not to touch him but being worried about what they would think if I was like, "DON"T TOUCH HIM!" But when she taught me those two words, then I had a plan. I could move through those interactions. ... "They're not nice people," kind of reminds me of that.
This is great advice. I think especially in the early stages it was really difficult to find the words to explain my estrangement -- this was before I knew what to even call it. Since so many of us are also working on building up a found family, this technique can do wonders for identifying people we can trust.
Fantastic post, Maggie. I love the incremental approach — such a wise tip. The Dan Savage insight is also super helpful. My policy since I cut ties with my father 22 years ago has always been candor. No secrets, as Frances said below. But since I'm an overexplainer, that often came out as an overwhelming info dump. This advice would have served me well over the years.
On the flip side, two decades in, I'm more comfortable with the state of things and have no issue now stating up front that I don't have a relationship with my father. I no longer carry shame and I don't owe anyone an explanation, but if they want one I'm happy to engage on the topic of estrangement. Many people don't realize how common it is and how life-saving it can be. "But it's your father!" "Yes, imagine how bad things must have been for me to cut ties with my own father."
You are providing an incredible service to the estranged community here. Keep up the great work! Looking fwd to your next post.
I love the idea that we reveal something about ourselves to discover if a person is someone we want to connect with, not fearful that they will judge us. That has been my approach with family estrangement. Mostly, people respond with compassion. More and more, I have people share that they are estranged from a family member or know someone who is.
Family secrets made my family sick, so I shy away from secrets.
Although when car shopping last week, the car salesman asked if I had kids, grandkids, a husband (you know the status quo), I replied, "no, it's just me."
I've always admired people who are estranged from their family-of-origin, because it means that they went through something painful and they have strong enough boundaries to decide they want a different life.
I have a dear friend who struggles mightily with her painful relationship with her mother and I wish she would choose estrangement over suffering.
Also, I, too, have gleaned random life advice from listening to Savage Love back in the day. ☺️
So much wisdom in this piece, Maggie. I would always happily vomit up the true story, leaving people staggered, both by the facts and the nonchalant way I told the tale. Our twenties were fun, weren't they? Now, when asked, I say I don't see my family and follow up with, "They're not nice people." That usually helps change the conversation if they don't share a similar experience, or want to avoid a messy topic. If they want to know more, I'll share. There will always be the judgers but, more often than not, they struggle in their relationships with their families, and it gives them an opportunity to share. xo
This is a random connection I was just thinking about: I used to live in NYC and I had a dog who was very cute but he was very nervous and mean. I was so flustered when people would bend down to pet him without asking and he would snap at them. I never knew what to do or say! But he needed to go outside, too! So, we hired a dog trainer. The behavior didn't improve much. But! She taught me one valuable thing: she said, "When people move to pet him, just firmly say, 'He bites.'" It really helped. I guess it's different--but it was that same flustered feeling of not knowing what to say or not knowing how to tell people not to touch him but being worried about what they would think if I was like, "DON"T TOUCH HIM!" But when she taught me those two words, then I had a plan. I could move through those interactions. ... "They're not nice people," kind of reminds me of that.
It’s spot on, Maggie. “They bite” is truly accurate. Also, get consent, folks! Not every dog is happy to see you. (Or human, for that matter. LOL.) xo
This is great advice. I think especially in the early stages it was really difficult to find the words to explain my estrangement -- this was before I knew what to even call it. Since so many of us are also working on building up a found family, this technique can do wonders for identifying people we can trust.
Fantastic post, Maggie. I love the incremental approach — such a wise tip. The Dan Savage insight is also super helpful. My policy since I cut ties with my father 22 years ago has always been candor. No secrets, as Frances said below. But since I'm an overexplainer, that often came out as an overwhelming info dump. This advice would have served me well over the years.
On the flip side, two decades in, I'm more comfortable with the state of things and have no issue now stating up front that I don't have a relationship with my father. I no longer carry shame and I don't owe anyone an explanation, but if they want one I'm happy to engage on the topic of estrangement. Many people don't realize how common it is and how life-saving it can be. "But it's your father!" "Yes, imagine how bad things must have been for me to cut ties with my own father."
You are providing an incredible service to the estranged community here. Keep up the great work! Looking fwd to your next post.
I love the idea that we reveal something about ourselves to discover if a person is someone we want to connect with, not fearful that they will judge us. That has been my approach with family estrangement. Mostly, people respond with compassion. More and more, I have people share that they are estranged from a family member or know someone who is.
Family secrets made my family sick, so I shy away from secrets.
Although when car shopping last week, the car salesman asked if I had kids, grandkids, a husband (you know the status quo), I replied, "no, it's just me."