Hold on to your butts, it's the holidays
Here we go.
Hi,
Some of my favorite Instagram accounts are noticing that those who voted Trump loudly and proudly are now whining about their family members cutting ties with them over their vote. I don’t know if estrangement as a result of politics is “on the rise.” (How would I know? We need data! Anyone got any?) But, I do feel reasonably safe in saying that posting commentary about it is a trend on the rise.
Here is a good example post, in which the content creator talks about the hypocrisy of Trumpers who are offended at being cut off, considering the fact that fundamentalist conservatives have a robust tradition of cutting off anyone whose sexuality, religion, or politics they don’t like.
Good critiques. But what I’m concerned with is not critiques themselves but the trope they’re bringing to the surface: the cultural policing of family ties.
Those of us who are estranged from family members are so used to the constant pushback of “What do you mean you don’t see him? He’s your father!”, “But she’s your sister!”, etc. when people hear of our estrangements that we may not even notice it anymore. But it’s useful to remember that we are living in a culture that assumes that people who initiate estrangement are not respectful of family ties. We’ve encountered this assumption for years, and so we know that it actually has very little to do with the political divide. In fact, there are plenty of “nonpolitical” voices who reinforce the idea that “family is everything.”
Such as food magazines.
Maybe you think, yes, food and cooking, that’s a nice, non-political topic. Well, let’s play, “No it’s not!”
I have a subscription to Bon Appetit1, which has to be one of the most inoffensive magazines on earth. Naturally, this November’s issue concerns itself with “55 Reasons to Love Thanksgiving.” Cue the “family is everything” reasons. Like #28:
Even reason #19, which salutes a non-traditional, small gathering, still assumes harmony with our families of origin that a lot of us estranged people don’t experience at the holidays:
For some reason, I find #48 particularly nauseating:
I’m not begrudging anybody who enjoys holidays get-togethers and is looking forward to next Thursday. If this is you, I’m happy for you. Your enjoyment of this day is literally sanctioned by the entire culture, but if you also need me to tell you to enjoy your day, then yes, please! Enjoy your day.
But since this is Estranged, what I am saying is that next Thursday, many of us will not be attending large family gatherings because of estrangement. Others of us will attend Thanksgiving with these Bon Appetit-style images in mind, and then will either force some outward holiday cheer—going along to get along—and/or will feel like we must not be doing it right because our gatherings don’t match what the culture is telling us they should look and feel like.
If only we respected family ties a little bit more…
Because the message that “family is everything” is not just coming from some fundamentalist Trumpsters insisting that they should not experience any consequences in their personal relationships as a result of their choices; it’s coming from seemingly “neutral” sources, too. That’s when you know an idea is truly embedded in the culture.
Bon Appetit’s sole nod to the idea that everyone might not celebrate Thanksgiving as a family holiday, #3:
But this cheeky “reason” assumes you have the money and time off for such an alternative.
Moving on. Is this you:
Thanksgiving is still a week away and you, too, still have time to do what she did. Or not. (But if you do this, please tell me. My Substack private messages are open.)
Whatever you do, I know you’ll come out the other side, and I hope you congratulate yourself with a little treat, in whatever form that takes for you.
Maggie
PS: A Drop in the Dry Season, my poetry chapbook launches on December 3. It is now available for pre-order. Yes, I wrote a book of poetry. You can read more about the book here.
If you’d like to preorder you can do that in one of two ways:
sign up for an annual paid subscription to this newsletter:
When you do that, I will send you the book as a bonus OR
Yes, I have a subscription to a print magazine. Multiple print magazines! Don’t know what kind of dinosaur that makes me.
I remember the first time I spent a holiday (Christmas) away from my family. It was my sophomore year in college, I believe. My friend's parents had a huge Christmas Eve party at their home, with people coming in and out all night, food served, drinks going...and I kept waiting for drama. Literally, about 100 people stopped by. At the end of the night, I asked if I could help clean up. "No, no. It can wait until morning." But I had learned my lesson that no doesn't mean no, it means you shouldn't have to ask, just do it! So I started to help... no, no. Just go to bed, it can wait until morning. I woke up, bracing for bad moods and complaints. I was greeted with hugs and smiles. "Wasn't that a good night? Everyone seemed to have fun." It was the first time in my life there was no holiday drama. No bad moods or short tempers. It was when I realized that people could actually enjoy the holidays without a steaming pile of resentment waiting to be thrown. And I made a point to spend as few holidays with my family as possible after that. (Sorry, Papa.) Family isn't everything. Happiness is. Contentment is. Love is. And peace is. Let me know if you get those stats, Maggie! xo
When I read this, as a person who navigates estrangement and ambivalence the thing that stands out to me is longing. And how at least in my experience holiday or something other than holiday that is the consistent companion. Will I know that feeling of coming together? Would I recognize if it showed up?