I reckon we should be called 'Bravelings' because we are so fucking brave and strong for walking away.
I'm with you on forgiveness. Whilst I can find a bit more acceptance of the context and drivers of my abuse, I do agree that forgiveness really just seems a continuation of what we had to do our whole lives: suppress and be the bigger person. Honestly, I can't see how that can be emotionally helpful. Then again, I've definitely not processed even half of the anger I've buried yet. So you never know!
If you really want to get a party started, bring up the Buddhist theory of detachment around moms...even if they are Buddhists. They lose their minds. There's a lot of nuance in the teachings. "Forgiveness" is more a letting go with kindness...mostly to you. Like the whole Buddhist take on resentment, of it being like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The pain we feel has pretty much zero effect on the perpetrator(s). We have to detach from the feelings that are harming us. Now, that's not ignoring them or burying them, but letting them go, over and over; forgiving, over and over. That's not putting the blame or onus on the abused/estranged, but reminding us of the power we have. We have the power to move forward. We just have to jettison some baggage every now and then.
I've forgiven my parents. They are broken people doing what broken people do. And I've said "I'm sorry" to *myself* for letting that weigh on me the way it did. That's who the apology belongs to. I wish I knew better (when I was younger) how to let that go, see where the responsibility actually belonged, and release the hurt and disappointment of that abuse and neglect. But then you have all the folks telling you you're wrong for cutting ties, that's your only family and the whole, "You should be the bigger person," garbage. Both of my parents have asked for forgiveness. But they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. I even sent my father links to sites that would show him how to construct a proper apology. LOL. Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm still just too sensitive and need to get over it. I guess getting over it means releasing all of my boundaries and letting them in to shit all over the place again and again and... No thanks. I'm happier with standards. xo
I'm so sad that you've gotten such an insensitive response to your guidance to your father. It's basically saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That should never be a response to having caused pain. I'm writing a book for parents who need to have their eyes opened to the harm they caused, because some truly don't have a clue and need some guidance in that area, but then there are others who, like your father, aren't open to considering an alternate narrative than the one that plays on repeat in their own minds.
Thanks so much, Kathryn. As much as it was disappointing, it was expected and almost funny. And, oddly, watching shows like "Happy Face" and "The Mortician", whatever personality disorder those dudes have, my dad has a less malignant version, because they have said the same words (of course, Dennis Quaid's were scripted). It's a little chilling. And thank you for writing such a book! It's needed. But I wonder if that personality/mind could even drink it in. I hope so. For your success and the healing of many! xo
I love that you've been able to move forward in spite of your father's response. ... I just wanted to respond to your comment about one's ability to drink it in. Sadly, I've known parents who will (likely) never take any ownership, and no, those individuals aren't even likely to pick up a book like mine. However, I know many parents who long for restoration. Whether they know what they did or not, (or whether they did anything at all), they have taken (or are willing to take) steps toward deep, inner healing and a greater understanding of the harm their child experienced. Others are clueless but are open to learning. My heart is for healing, whether restoration comes to the relationship or not. Thank you for your well-wishes!
I love that, Kathryn. And thank you again. I always keep the door open to my parents (so cut from the same cloth they have nearly identical handwriting, LOL), because there’s always a chance for change and redemption, though, they have failed spectacularly each time they open that door (and, truly, all I’m asking for is a simple apology acknowledging what they are apologizing for). I, too, see parents who don’t know what they did wrong and are willing to do what they can to make amends. I’m sure your book will be valuable to them. xo
Hi Maggie, thank you for this. As you and Eamon Dolan both note, this is a tangled, difficult subject. I have a different take on forgiveness and I did forgive my parents who never said they were sorry or acknowledge my childhood sexual abuse. My upcoming book is NOT prescriptive, but if you're interested in my experience it will be out next April. Thanks so much for writing about this topic.
I reckon we should be called 'Bravelings' because we are so fucking brave and strong for walking away.
I'm with you on forgiveness. Whilst I can find a bit more acceptance of the context and drivers of my abuse, I do agree that forgiveness really just seems a continuation of what we had to do our whole lives: suppress and be the bigger person. Honestly, I can't see how that can be emotionally helpful. Then again, I've definitely not processed even half of the anger I've buried yet. So you never know!
Thank you for bringing this book to my awareness. I am halfway through it now and it is so validating.
That’s great!
I love this. Definitely going to pick up this book. I've struggled so much with forgiveness/acceptance as a way of suppressing anger and blame.
You’re not alone!
This is great, Maggie. Thank you.
If you really want to get a party started, bring up the Buddhist theory of detachment around moms...even if they are Buddhists. They lose their minds. There's a lot of nuance in the teachings. "Forgiveness" is more a letting go with kindness...mostly to you. Like the whole Buddhist take on resentment, of it being like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. The pain we feel has pretty much zero effect on the perpetrator(s). We have to detach from the feelings that are harming us. Now, that's not ignoring them or burying them, but letting them go, over and over; forgiving, over and over. That's not putting the blame or onus on the abused/estranged, but reminding us of the power we have. We have the power to move forward. We just have to jettison some baggage every now and then.
I've forgiven my parents. They are broken people doing what broken people do. And I've said "I'm sorry" to *myself* for letting that weigh on me the way it did. That's who the apology belongs to. I wish I knew better (when I was younger) how to let that go, see where the responsibility actually belonged, and release the hurt and disappointment of that abuse and neglect. But then you have all the folks telling you you're wrong for cutting ties, that's your only family and the whole, "You should be the bigger person," garbage. Both of my parents have asked for forgiveness. But they don't want to take responsibility for their actions. I even sent my father links to sites that would show him how to construct a proper apology. LOL. Nope. Not gonna happen. I'm still just too sensitive and need to get over it. I guess getting over it means releasing all of my boundaries and letting them in to shit all over the place again and again and... No thanks. I'm happier with standards. xo
I'm so sad that you've gotten such an insensitive response to your guidance to your father. It's basically saying, "I'm sorry you feel that way." That should never be a response to having caused pain. I'm writing a book for parents who need to have their eyes opened to the harm they caused, because some truly don't have a clue and need some guidance in that area, but then there are others who, like your father, aren't open to considering an alternate narrative than the one that plays on repeat in their own minds.
Thanks so much, Kathryn. As much as it was disappointing, it was expected and almost funny. And, oddly, watching shows like "Happy Face" and "The Mortician", whatever personality disorder those dudes have, my dad has a less malignant version, because they have said the same words (of course, Dennis Quaid's were scripted). It's a little chilling. And thank you for writing such a book! It's needed. But I wonder if that personality/mind could even drink it in. I hope so. For your success and the healing of many! xo
I love that you've been able to move forward in spite of your father's response. ... I just wanted to respond to your comment about one's ability to drink it in. Sadly, I've known parents who will (likely) never take any ownership, and no, those individuals aren't even likely to pick up a book like mine. However, I know many parents who long for restoration. Whether they know what they did or not, (or whether they did anything at all), they have taken (or are willing to take) steps toward deep, inner healing and a greater understanding of the harm their child experienced. Others are clueless but are open to learning. My heart is for healing, whether restoration comes to the relationship or not. Thank you for your well-wishes!
I love that, Kathryn. And thank you again. I always keep the door open to my parents (so cut from the same cloth they have nearly identical handwriting, LOL), because there’s always a chance for change and redemption, though, they have failed spectacularly each time they open that door (and, truly, all I’m asking for is a simple apology acknowledging what they are apologizing for). I, too, see parents who don’t know what they did wrong and are willing to do what they can to make amends. I’m sure your book will be valuable to them. xo
Hi Maggie, thank you for this. As you and Eamon Dolan both note, this is a tangled, difficult subject. I have a different take on forgiveness and I did forgive my parents who never said they were sorry or acknowledge my childhood sexual abuse. My upcoming book is NOT prescriptive, but if you're interested in my experience it will be out next April. Thanks so much for writing about this topic.
♥️ thank you